By the Candy Jedi
Image manipulated by Der Blutten Mat
Bassist Ryan Stasik of Umphrey’s McGee caused quite a scene at the 57th Annual GRAMMY Awards on February 8th in Los Angeles, California. The artist was nominated for Best Bass Performance for his musical contribution to the song “Puppet String” off of Umphrey’s most recent release, Similar Skin.
The nomination initially came as a shock to the Umphrey’s community. “I didn’t even know that was a category,” shared Kris Myers, drummer for Umphrey’s McGee and Stasik’s band mate. “I guess I just always thought Jake would be the first to get a GRAMMY.” Upon further investigation Utopian Blur has discovered the new category was added to the already long list of awards after the recent success of Megan Trainor’s “All About that Bass.”
From the moment Ryan Stasik arrived at the Staples Center, it was quite an ordeal. He had been working on his tan all week and even rented a tuxedo, but was sadly mistaken as the chauffeur when he first stepped out of his limo. He became even more irritated when the press kept taking photos of his wife on the red carpet instead of him.
“I guess they didn’t recognize me as the guy in the shark suit dancing next to Katy Perry during the Super Bowl halftime show,” he shared.
The award show finally began and Stasik was disappointed to find out his category wouldn’t be aired on live national television. Like many non-pop categories, this part of the event was only streamed via the internet. One fan commented, “It was nothing like Couch Tour, but then again, Pony is rarely allowed to use a microphone.”
When the moment finally came, Stasik seemed genuinely surprised he won. After a briefly thanking 
his family and band mates, Stasik went off on a short tangent about how progressive jam music should have its own category at the GRAMMYS. “I really wish I could be joined on stage by some real musicians,” he smirked, “instead of all these autotuned, preprogrammed pop tarts.”
An awkward silence washed over the audience as the background music grew louder and the lights started to dim on the bassist, but that didn’t stop him. He ended his rant by sharing, “The funny thing is, I never even wanted to be a bassist because guitarists always got all the hot chicks. Well, look at me now!”
Stasik was then ushered off the stage while awkwardly pumping his shiny new trophy in the air.
He later explained, “At first I was afraid Kanye was going to storm the stage and steal my moment, but then I realized that wasn’t going to happen… and it was finally my turn to be Kanye.”
The Music Academy has not made any official comment on the incident and Stasik was allowed to keep the GRAMMY award. When asked what he planned on doing with the miniature gramophone he shared, “I think I am going to bring it on tour with us this summer, I’ll probably put it on an amp next to R2D2 so everyone can see it.”