By Maomew Human
Images manipulated by B-rad
PALM BEACH, FL – In a well publicized interview that will air this weekend, hate-speech-artist and conservative pundit Ann Coulter spoke at great lengths regarding her well known love of The Grateful Dead. The commentator answered several questions from SiriusXM Inspire hosts Alfred Schultz and Chris Hauslet regarding a wide variety of Dead related issues including favorite tunes, lot merch, drug use, and one query in particular which piqued our interest – “who have you been listening to since Jerry died?” Ann provided a similar response to the one she gave to Jambands.com back in 2006, that “The Dead” are dead to her now, stating enthusiastically “Have you ever heard of this band Umphrey’s McGee? They’re pretty much my favorite now. I love String Cheese Incident, Phish, Dave Matthews Band, Blues Traveler, New Potato Caboose…but Umphrey’s really takes me to the…the next level. Definitely an Umphreak.”
Absolutely jawdroppingly amazed when we heard this news, the Utopian Blur reached out to our buddies at Umphreaks Anonymous to see if they could tap Ann to give yet another jam-related interview this week. There were so many questions that needed to be answered: from “What was your first show?” and “Who is your favorite member?” to “Do you know what a Jimmy Stewart is?” and “How does Soaring Uplifting Jam make you feel considering you have no soul?”. Thankfully, Ann loves to hear herself talk and was able to fit us into her schedule between kicking kittens and making fun of Fukushima victims. We skyped with the columnist this past Tuesday.
Utopian Blur: Ann, we are absolutely shocked to find out you’re an Umphreak! How long have you been keeping this secret?
Ann: It’s hardly a secret! Why are you so surprised? I hate how people tend to pigeonhole me – “Conservative”, “Christian”, “Deadhead”, “Asshole” – I’m not just any one of these things, I’m all of these things, and I just so happen to be an Umphreak as well.
Are you asking when I first got into Umphrey’s? Unlike my first Dead show, I remember my first Umphrey’s show like the back of my Frankenstein hands. August 16th, 2003. I had just finished writing my book Treason, was in a Chicago suburb after a book signing, and was suffering from a bout of repeated insomnia due to my overly sexual dreams of Joseph McCarthy. Desperate to take my mind off the Senator, I stumbled into the streets of Palatine and happened upon this bar that was overflowing with people near the Metra tracks. Next thing I know (though I didn’t know it at the time), I’m entrenched in the midst of the most epic Front Porch Stewart sandwich! I was absolutely blown away, it was awesome.
Ensuring my obsession, the band was playing the next two nights in Kalamazoo [Michigan] and Mishawaka [Indiana], the next two stops on my book tour! I was able to catch three shows right off the bat and was instantly in love.
UB: Who is your favorite member?
A: Ryan Stasik. The ladies love Stasik. He just seems to have an unrestricted soul, free of unnecessary regulation or rock-and-roll bureaucracy. A minstrel of the people. Otherwise, I am a big fan of Bayliss because I like folks whose writing is vague and steeped in metaphor. It is the same reason I like the Patriot Act, no one is really certain the meaning and is therefore left up to individual interpretation.
UB: So you are familiar with Jimmy Stewarts?
A: I’m somewhat familiar with the “Jimmy Stewarts”. Only some. I can tell if the song is significantly different from the way it was on the album. Unless it is a show I was at, or a show I was exposed to by my friends, I don’t know it well enough to know if it’s a “repeated” Stewart or if this is just a one-time-dealio. My friends told me I’m supposed to say my favorite is that “Tracy” Stewart…”Theresa” or something? The one that turned into “Similar Skin” and sucks now. Madison 2011, Orpheum, what a shit show that was. I do LOVE the Raw Stewage albums but it is hard to pick favorites and with so much material, I easily lose track of jams.
UB: What is your favorite Umphrey’s album?
A: Meh, I don’t know if I’m really into albums, per say. I have them all, I’ve heard them all…If I have to go with any album, I’d have to go with Mantis. Mantis has the most Hobbesian feel to it. It has a dark motif that you can hear on stuff like “Spires”.
UB: How about your favorite song, then?
A: Gosh, there’s so many, it’s hard to name them all. They’re almost all Bayliss tunes. Don’t get me wrong, I love Jake, but I’m not much of a “40s Theme” gal – malt liquor is too “urban” for me. I’m much more of a “White Mans Moccasins” sorta gal, where the lyrics seem to be about self-defeat and white knuckle capitalism. A guilty pleasure of mine, though its hard to admit, are the super-”untzy” tracks: “Triple Wide”, “Wappy Sprayberry”…what’s that new one? “Day Nurse”? I love that track. I’ve never done drugs, but I do have an undiagnosed mental disorder which does create these intricate visual fractals when I encounter a high caliber light show such as the one provided by Professor Waful.
UB: What attracted you to the Umphrey’s community? Obviously you stumbled upon the music, but have you fallen in love with the fan base?
A: At first I wasn’t so certain – some of my friends who I had seen the Dead with were already somewhat familiar or easy to convert. But Umphreaks themselves are a bit of a different monster…They’re not as easy-going-free-flowing as Deadheads were. I’m not always down with the “Devil Horn” thing people do with their hands at UM shows, I just never really associated facemelting with Satan. “Wizards Burial Ground” is about burying wizards, not celebrating them…there’s a message there I figured Umphreaks would have caught onto.
There are many things about the community I found that I did enjoy! It’s a mostly male-dominated subculture of the jam community and considering I don’t even believe women should have the right to vote, I generally can say I feel more comfortable surrounded in a room of dudes, like Congress, then I would in a room of women. Umphreaks are marred in tradition and have ideals and events that they want to conserve, like no fucking wooing and yearly Summer Camp Sunday sets. Can you believe what happened when those fascists got rid of Sunday Summer Camp this year? Campghazi, I’m telling you.
The thing that really helped me feel included with other Umphreaks is that they are opinionated and unruly – it reminds me of my politician and pundit friends on either side of the aisle! If you get a show date wrong or forget a tease or screw up the order of a song segue sandwich, they’ll call you out on it and question your loyalty to Umphrey’s right then and there. They’ll wanna know how many shows you’ve been to, see ticket stubs like birth certificates, possibly call a small council meeting of the regional group to discern if you really are into UM like you say you are. I’ve had so many moments where someone’s gotten all into my face in a heated UM debate, screaming something like “70 shows coast to coast, how about you bitch?”
“115 motherfucker, including all three Bill Grahams, what?! What?! That’s right…” and then you just lean back, take a long cool drag off your smoke and think “damn right, my dick is bigger than yours”. I live for that shit, to eat your fellow man’s heart out proving your loyalty to these rock gods. Then, at the end of the day, you’re friends again like nothing’s ever happened, homies bonded in Umphrey’s, forgetting all about which version of “Water” is truly the best or whether the song is called “White Pickle” or “Yoga Pants” (I’m “Pickle” partial, but really, who cares?), sharing a Nothing Too Fancy Pale Ale.
UB: So you’ve found that you’ve made friends since becoming an Umphreak?
A: As close as anyone is going to get to “friend” with me, yes! As I mentioned before, despite being terribly opinionated, Umphreaks have a strong sense of community. After becoming so disillusioned with the Dead side projects and with String Cheese breaking up in 2007, Umphrey’s became my only outlet. I was able to convert some of my friends and then, as they years went on, I built a solid crew I could tolerate.
I live in Palm Beach, Florida, where the UM fanbase has recently swelled, to a point where I’ve been able to emulate those Denver folks and start hosting our own UM Mondays at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. We’ve had a pretty good turn out so far – they’ve put Nothing Too Fancy on draft and even set up an Umphrey’s related Buzztime Trivia game! I’ve met so many people there and while I’m not giving out my cell number or Bort handle or anything, I’m still looking forward to raging some shows this summer in August with the rest of these chicken eatin’ Umphreaks.
Ann stated she is too tied up promoting her latest piece of latest piece of hatesmut to attend the upcoming Red Rocks and Boulder shows in Colorado but will be back in her coffin in her lair by August so she can attend the Florida run.