Written by Bow E. Tie
Images manipulated by Wappy Spray-fairy
Ozark, AR – Umphrey’s McGee management confirmed today that the jam band would begin performing in full, Hollywood-quality zombie getups for selected music festival appearances. The tactic is a response to fans’ indifference to their 2015 Summer Camp sets and the apparent success of ‘Here Come the Mummies,’ who took advantage of Umphrey’s McGee’s well-noted absence on the final day of the festival.
Fans have confirmed the band’s suspicions about a lackluster year at Summer Camp. “I wish they would have done what they always do. Why didn’t they play their traditional afternoon Sunday set? Who is Gene Ween, anyway? I don’t want to be ‘that person,’ but I paid, like, a lot of money for this festival, and I’ve been going for 17 years. Not that they would, but they didn’t even run this shit past me. Did you know I told them to make a song out of a jam one time? Have I told you that story? Where are you going?”
Here’s what another fan said: “Umphrey’s was great. Suuuuper long piss and whiskey break between their two Friday sets this year. Heard a few of them sat in with some old guy with phallus-themed music before playing the second set. Not really my thing. At first I was pissed that UM cut their Sunday set, but the mummies, though… did you see that shit?! I’m so glad Umphrey’s blew off the festival; otherwise I never would have caught the Mummies’ set! They even sat in with Moe. to close 
out the fest!”
Since Summer Camp ended, the Umphrey’s fans have been buzzing nonstop about their new favorite band from the festival – even the ones who missed out. A rare female UM fan said this: “If someone had actually TOLD ME they were weirdos who dressed up like mummies and sang about dirty sex stuff I definitely wouldn’t have skipped their set this weekend.” Yes, we can confirm that we located a female fan for comment in this article.
Umphrey’s team has disclosed that they have retained the head makeup artist from World War Z and will be appearing as ‘Zumbies McGhoul’ for the music festival shows in which they will perform as brain-eating maniacs. “We were going to use ‘Here Cum the Zumbies,’ but legal said it was too close to call, and everyone is so fucking tired of the sexual references,” said an anonymous insider.
“We are in damage control mode,” said percussionist Andy Farag. “We leave our home festival for one day, and then these undead motherfuckers bring so much heat on Sunday that nobody gives a hollering hoot that we did that wiener stunt. Fuck, man, they didn’t even notice we were gone. I mean, why the fuck did we go to Georgia?”
Ever the optimist, keyboardist Joel Cummins commented, “I think this is what we need to compete with ‘Here Come the Mummies.’ Their showmanship is unmatched, so we have to up our game. We can do it, though. After all, we are known for our exceptional stage presence. I played my keyboard with a stool one time. I’m not sure if you know this, but that’s not the way you’re usually supposed to play a keyboard. Like I said…stage presence. We are so happy to be here.”
When asked what the tipping point was for such a drastic change, guitarist Brendan Bayliss replied, “It was the Moe. sit-in. That was our fucking trick. We came out and played Puppet String with Moe. on Sunday’s closing set last year, and that shit was popular on the internet for at least three days. Now those TP-wearing, dust-filled, sex-funk, Grammy-winning sarcophagi have stolen that moment, and we need to destroy them. Maybe we were over-confident in leaving the festival and expecting to retain our lofty place in Scamp culture, but all that is done now. We’ll be there next year, on Sunday, ready to eat your brains with melted face sauce all over them, baby bitch. Hell, we might even throw in some sexy lyrics. We’re coming for you, Mummies!” Sources close to the band have denied any new sexy lyrics.