By Maomew Human
Umphrey’s McGee, fully aware that you will be attending their performance at the upcoming Lockn’ Music Festival in Arrington, Virginia, continue to do everything within their power to avoid playing that song that you’ve been chasing for the past several tours. No sympathy is provided for those who may have ‘just barely’ missed their desired tune. Throughout the years, this pattern may have appeared as coincidental, but our conversations with the band reveal a sinister, elaborate plot by the minstrels. Current strategy suggests that the sextet will most likely play the song as part of a larger sandwich the night before in Alabama, allowing the band to secretly delight in robbing you of this small potential happy highlight in your otherwise droll and miserable life.
“Why are we doing this? Why rob a devoted fan of their dreams? Why should this loyal enthusiast be left to listen to dozens of old AUDs, reminiscing on how we used to play their favorite tune ad nauseum, like every two fucking shows, for years and years and then all of a sudden it’s out of rotation? Why won’t we ever play this song again? Brazen sadism,” stated keyboard master and centenarian Joel Cummins, who could not emphasize enough how much he hates you and your incessant setlist demands.
“Recently, this fan has made things very easy,” said bassist Ryan Stasik. “Before, there was tons of research. We’d follow them on Facebook and keep track of their Tweets to evaluate potential show-appearances, what songs to avoid placing on the setlist, etcetera. If the fan appeared to be on the road, we’d guesstimate if they were coming to a show based on ‘check ins’ or photographs. Now, as long as that little shit keeps entering in their show dates into All Things Umphreys before we get there, I get to kick back with no more investigating – we’re already well aware of this bastard’s location!”
While this form of maltreatment seems completely aimless, UM’s management insists that there is method to this madness. “This form of fan-fantasy-repression is actually an ingenious marketing technique,” explained the band’s Audio Masseuse, Kevin Browning. “The people feel their desires ‘within reach’, so to speak, and yet they never completely have everything they want. They keep buying more tickets, attempting to reach that perfect show, hoping to get that track they’re chasing. Sure, some grow frustrated, but most simply become ravishing addicts.”
Proliferation is paramount when discussing marketing and Kevin revealed to us future plans for this innovative concept. “We’re trying to expand from abusing this particular devotee alone to torturing the entire fanbase, which is really a feat in and of itself but we’re certain we can accomplish it. What do we have in mind? Well, for starters, we aren’t intending on playing a show in Chicago-proper for the next half decade or so. Instead, we’ve started planning a three night run at Ravinia for next year, so keep your fingers crossed for that! We’ve also been trying to find a way to have our Halloween shows transferred from the gorgeous Riverside Theater to the infamous whorehouse-turned-venue known as Eagle’s Ballroom. There, fans will appreciate the overzealous probing security, extremely expensive beverages and theater sound which will rival that little JBL Speaker you have set up in your bathroom so that you can sing in the shower.”
Even though Team UM is looking to expand their FFR Marketing operation, it does not mean that they’ve let up on torturing you expressly. In fact, Joel and Ryan assured the Utopian Blur that your maltreatment will continue unstymied. “That cover they’ve been asking for over and over for the past fifteen years? Yeah, you’re never going to hear it. I’m going to tease the shit of it at Lockn’, but we’re never going to pull the trigger,” stated Ryan.
As of press time, you have already taken to the Umphrey’s Discussion Facebook Group to kvetch on how much better the band was when they did exactly what you wanted, but that you were still intending to go to the Chucktown Ball if anyone had any tickets. Umphrey’s kicks off their “Fuck You Fall Tour 2015” in Birmingham next week where, just to reiterate, they will play the song you have been chasing for years and years, just to spite you.