by Maomew Human
photo by Der Bluten Mat
Stating that they have pretty much nothing left to lose, the Chicago Bears have decided to bring up Brendan Bayliss, guitarist from local legends Umphrey’s McGee, to play quarterback on Monday night. This move required the Bears to let go second string QB Jimmy Clausen, and bench their typical started Jay Cutler, who has played poorly this season thus far.
“It’s Bayliss or nothing now,” stated Marc Trestman, the Bears head coach. “We’ve had our share of ups and downs…mostly downs…but we trust that Brendan can find a way through any divisions we’ve suffered as a team this season.”
Critics cite that Bayliss has little-if-no previous experience playing the sport of football, although he has been a lifelong fan. When asked how he was gearing up, both mentally and physically, for his debut in professional sports, Brendan stated “I’ve been working out with Joel and eating shit tons of my buddy Barry’s chex mix. Stuff is like an energy bar or something – gives you a real boost.” When asked why he was entering football now, starting much later than other quarterbacks, and with no previous training, Bayliss stated “There are so many similarities between music and football – momentum can switch at halftime, just gotta show up and play the game. No better time than the present.” When asked how he will juggle responsibilities between his band and his team, the quarterback was upbeat about handling the workload. “Even though Umphrey’s McGee only has a few weeks ‘off’ until New Years in Atlanta, I figured I can still make this work. Season’s only three weeks longer, and lord knows we’re not making it to the postseason. I figure we wrap up against the Vikings on the 28th, I’m in Georgia by the 29th, step on stage at The Tabernacle on the 30th.”
“I figure we wrap up against the Vikings on the 28th, I’m in Georgia by the 29th, step on stage at The Tabernacle on the 30th.”
Most newscasters have called this pandering to the local audience. The Bears seem to believe they have themselves a Joe Everyman who they hope can play like Joe Montana. Sources state that Aaron Kromer, offensive coordinator for the Bears recently well-known for publicly criticizing their previous qb Jay Cutler, feels that Bayliss is more a ‘what-you-see-is-what-you-get’ kind of guy. “Every pass or handoff seems like a miracle. You don’t expect him to complete plays, yet from all the pregame practice this week, you end up pleasantly surprised,” wrote Kromer in a memo leaked to the NFL Network sometime this week somehow from someone else (who was also probably on the Bears). “He’s better at football than Jay Cutler, and that’s really all that we ask at this point.”