by Maomew Human
Umphrey’s has always pandered to the audiophiles among its fan base, recently finding success with their “Headphones and Snowcones” initiative which allows fans direct-wireless-connection to the soundboard, indulging in crystal clean audio the entire show. This program has been welcomed by many members of the community who are ravenous to analyze every nuanced note of each Stewart, or those who are just interested in becoming enveloped in all senses by music alone.
Realizing the amazing breakthrough they have on their hands, Umphrey’s has wasted no time in taking the project one step further by offering the “Headphones and Snowcones: Surgical Option”, which started at select shows this past fall with hopes of expanding in campaign size throughout the winter and summer.
The Surgical Option requires a few small incisions in the skull just above each of the ears, in which a small speaker fitted with wireless satellite technology is inserted directly into the tympanic cavity of the ear canal, allowing fans to have the Headphones and Snowcones experience, minus the headphones. Surgeries are performed a few hours pre-show by Umphrey’s “Trained Medical Staff”, which is actually just Kevin Browning and Andy Farag in scrubs with a power drill. However, after a few “tricky first-attempts”, it appears that the dynamic duo have become particularly good at these operations. “There’s always gonna be some criticism of the process, always some hiccups when you try something new,” said Kevin. “We lost a few fans…well…mostly because they’re deaf now. But for the most part things have gone off without a hitch since the first dozen surgeries, and fans seem to be quite impressed with the service.”
What are the benefits of the “Surgical Option”? For starters, with the satellite technology implanted on your speaker, you can hear any live Umphrey’s show any time there’s a concert. Any Umphrey’s concert, any where in the world, can be beamed through space and directly to your ear canal. For a small upgrade fee, you are able to tap into an UMLive Radio feed that plays nothing but the latest soundboards. Other benefits include being able to listen in on chosen practice sessions, rehearsals and private concerts for the Surgically Augmented only. It appears as though there is even more in the pipe for this project as well! According to Browning, “we’re working with the people at Google Glass and TourGigs to make the process even more enveloping, developing contact lenses which would allow you to see the show as if you were there. We’ll have a GoPro rigged to a guy in the audience, alongside the regular couch tour cameras you’ve seen us use in the past and the GoPros we’ve previously rigged to the band members, stuff like that.”
Critics of the “Surgical Option” state that this is taking musical addiction one-step-too-far. Others believe that the satellite technology will be used to track fans and get marketing information about their purchasing patterns, where they spend their time, and other private information. The Umphrey’s team vehemently defends their product. “I think its far more functional than a tattoo,” said surgeon Andy Farag when we questioned him about the products “extreme nature”. While the group admits that patron’s movement can be tracked through the satellite technology implanted in the speaker, they don’t intended to use it for the forces of evil.
“If we’ve done this couch tour right,” said Browning, “we won’t ever need to track you, because you won’t ever leave your couch.”