Written by Bow. E. Tie
Speaking between squeals of joy fueled by a bong rip of a particularly heady sativa, local Umphreak Vinnie Bridges outlined his estimation of what Joel Cummins, lead keyboardist and fourth vocalist of ImprogressiveRockSpaceJAMBoot Band Umphrey’s McGee, was alluding to when he mentioned a big, perhaps even “career-defining” forthcoming announcement in a recent interview.
“I think they are adding horns, or probably another guitarist. I just know that they’re gonna add more people to the band, you know, cause that’s what they like to do. In a perfect world, Stanley Jordan, Bill Evans and Josh Redman would be the new members,” posited the 20-year-old savant who was, at this point, about an 8 out of 10 on the giggly-scale. “There’s just no way that what Joel might or might not have been maybe talking about is not going to be my guess of what’s gonna happen. Right? Seems super, super clear. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be the best cause Umphrey’s fucking rocks. They have t-shirts that say that.”
Another fan, Harold McRamis, speculated that Umphrey’s McGee was breaking off from their wild and unruly audience by taking their music to the concert hall for a collaboration with an orchestra. “I think they recorded with an orchestra. It’s just what it is. It has to be. All the evidence that I’m willing to consider supports my conclusion. Furthermore, my conclusion bears more weight than yours because I usually don’t chime in on matters such as these and therefore my opinion is much more influential on this conversation amongst fans. Totally jazzed for the record to come out, though.” The pretentious bastard went on to explain in vague, pseudo-intellectual statements that there is simply no possible way that he is wrong. Reports indicate that the individual used the word “jazzed” on three occasions during the conversation.
Female fans were unavailable for comment.
Utopian Blur has independently confirmed that the big announcement is not any of the bullshit that people are talking about, and it’s way cooler.